Modern Seinfeld: Season 1

Ep. 1: The Auto-Tune

Newman becomes an internet, Auto-tune sensation when his rant about the Government shutdown goes viral. In an effort to ease his friend’s job worries and capitalize on his fame, Kramer devises a business plan with Newman to home-deliver Red Box movies.

Jerry’s girlfriend becomes upset when she discovers he unsubscribed from her Facebook feed.

Kramer: “If you wanna date the girl, you have to date the Facebook, Jerry.

Jerry: But I don’t wanna date the Facebook!

Elaine: What’s the big deal? Just subscribe to her already.

Jerry: “All day long she posts about cats. Cat videos. Cat diet tips. Cat hygiene strategies. I can’t stop thinking about cats!

George: Great, now I’m thinking about them!”

Elaine and Puddy rekindle their romantic relationship; start bing-watching “Mad Men” on DVD. But Elaine’s growing resentment for the show reflects her growing resentment for Puddy.

Puddy: “So who IS Don Draper?”

Elaine: “I don’t care

Kramer starts an online Kickstarter campaign to bring back “Kramerica Industries”; wants to make a sequel to “Argo,” the fake movie within the Oscar-winning movie of the same name.

Jerry: “You know that wasn’t a real movie, right?”

Kramer: “You too, Jerry?”

Elaine is dating a guy, doesn’t know whether to friend him on Facebook or wait for him to friend her.

George: “I never send Friendship Requests.”

Elaine: “Why not?”

George: “Because I don’t think people will accept them.”

Jerry is upset that his girlfriend leaves long voicemails on his cell phone: ” I barely read my mail; I’m certainly not going to listen to it.” In conversation, she references the voicemails without going into detail, leaving him guessing as to what she is talking about.

Ep.2: The Street Art

Kramer is the first to stumble across Banksy’s latest street mural, and is mistaken for the elusive artist when passers-by record him drawing on the art work. Kramer later claims he was trying to “fix” the mural.

Jerry: Fix it? What were you tying to fix?

Kramer: The man draws rats that act like people. Rats, Jerry. it’s not natural!

Elaine: You should see some of the rats in New York City.

Jerry: The people, too.

Bania is the current “It” comic of NYC, after selling numerous copies of his latest stand up special exclusively from his website. Jerry runs into him at the club.

Bania: I’m online, Jerry!

Jerry: Yes, yes. I heard.

Bania: The internet’s the best, Jerry. The best!

In light of the upcoming 50th anniversary of JFK’s assassination, George reflects on his own romantic demise.

George: I, too, was a man destined for greatness before being struck down by an unknown force.

Elaine: Yeah. You’re bald.

Elaine dumps her Christian boyfriend when they disagree on the subject of gay marriage. She is in favor of it.

Elaine: Two men that are married to each other are two men that are guaranteed not to bother me.

Jerry: So if a man is gay and single, he might find you attractive?

Elaine: It’s happened before.

 

Ep. 3: The Marathon

Bania declares himself “The Fastest Comedian in New York City” after completing the NYC Marathon. Jerry, suspicious of Bania’s accomplishments, learns that Newman has a contact that can snoop email accounts:

Newman: But it’ll cost you, Jerry. It’ll cost you big time.

Jerry: Oh yeah, what’s that?

Newman: Your integrity.

Jerry: I’m fine with that.

George picks up women at the Ground Zero memorial by telling them he’s a “Survivor”

Elaine: Even for you, this is low.

George: I AM alive, am I not? I survived that day as much as anyone else!

Elaine: You say that as if its a good thing.

Kramer wants to start a real world social network, builds his friends by inviting strangers to hang out with him. They congregate in Jerry’s apartment.

On a whim, Peterman goes to Afghanistan to secure a contract to save the struggling company. He calls to check in.

Elaine: So what kind of clothes do they wear in Afghanistan? Shawls? Are you sure Americans want to wear shawls?

Peterman: They wear clothes. Americans love clothes.

Elaine: Well, yeah–

Peterman: Elaine, I’m in a cave.

Elaine: You’re what?

Peterman: I’m lost in a cave, Elaine. I need your help.

Ep. 4: The Ex-Pats

Two months after moving to Hiroshima, Japan, George is paranoid that the locals see him as a tourist; goes out of his way to interrupt people on the street and tell them where he lives.

George: I’m not a tourist, Jerry!

Jerry: well, you act like a tourist.

George: In what way?

Jerry: is the fanny pack necessary?

Jerry is comfortable with his Japanese, but doesn’t know why he’s not getting laughs at his Open Mic.

George: Did you do the bit about the chop sticks?

Jerry: Yeah.

George: And?

Jerry: Nothin’.

Kramer unwittingly entertains high level Japanese ad executives at the Karaoke bar. They hire him alongside Ken Watanbe for a Cologne Billboard Campaign. Elaine hits it off with Watanbe, only to be foiled when George asks him one too many questions about “The Last Samurai.”

 

Ep. 5: The Zombie Apocalypse

George is concerned that the only reason he has a girlfriend is due to her lack of options in this post-apocalyptic world:

Jerry: Billions of people are dead, yet the real tragedy is that an attractive woman wants to date you.

George: That’s the world I live in, Jerry.

After watching movies for research, Kramer and Newman start delivering messages between survivor colonies in exchange for Twinkies, which Newman insists can be used as a kind of currency. Without consent, they begin storing the Twinkies in Jerry’s apartment.

Kramer: Well they look like gold. And they taste good, too. Here, try it! Try the Twinkie, Jerry!

Jerry is dating an amazingly beautiful woman, but is turned off by the ferocity with which she kills Zombies.

Elaine: Well, what do you expect? It’s Survival of the Fittest out there! Charles Darwin…and all that.

Jerry: You know, I don’t think Darwin was thinking about the Undead while drawing sketches of the Dodo bird.

Elaine starts having sex with Puddy again after he rescues her from the grips of a Zombie. Jerry accuses Elaine of falling back into in a relationship with Puddy.

Elaine: It’s just Rescue Sex.

Jerry: You know the rules: one sex for one zombie. Now how many zombies did Puddy save you from?

Elaine: One

Jerry: And how many times have you had sex with Puddy since then?

Elaine: …

Jerry: Elaine.

Elaine: I dunno…five, six times.

Jerry: Ah, that’s it! You’re all the way back!

Elaine: Ugh.

 

Ep.6: The Time Travel

Time travel exists. Jerry wants to meet his younger self and pass onto him his compiled knowledge of comedy in order to propel his career.

Jerry: I wonder if I’ll like Young Jerry.

Elaine: The better question is, will Young Jerry like you?

Jerry: Well, I don’t like me….So, no. I don’t think so.

Kramer’s apartment is overflowing with CD’s, which he doesn’t want or need anymore, so he decides to store them in the past. Elaine thinks she is “past her peak” romantically and wants to go back in time to seduce Young Jerry with the intent for Young Elaine to marry him.

While eating chinese food, George says he wants to go back in time to his “Critical Point,” a moment in his life that changed him from a “beautiful, strong man of promise to the man I am today.” This incident happened at a Christmas party in 1988 when he brought the wrong Secret Santa gift and was laughed at by everyone at the party. His date dumped him and that night he started to lose his hair.

George: I should never have bought that fruitcake!

Back 1988, Old George sneaks into the party unrecognizable as a bald man. He switches Young George’s gift with the one he brought, but gets the gift wrapping wrong. Young George picks up another gift with the same wrapping, which also happens to be a fruitcake. Old George is laughed at, again, for the fruitcake, as is Young George.

Young Jerry’s career failed after being catapulted to stardom before he was ready, Young Elaine dumps Young Jerry for being a loser, and Kramer makes a fortune for inventing CD’s, but loses it all when he invests his money in Apple, which is a failed company.

Back in the Present, Old George finds a job as a delivery man for a Chinese food restaurant. One day, he delivers food to Young Jerry’s apartment and overhears Young George saying he wants to go back in time to his “Critical Point

Ep. 7: The Superheroes

Kramer and Mickey collaborate to film a low-budget summer blockbuster in New York City. Kramer is the director, Mickey is the lead, and Uncle Leo beats out Newman for the role of the villain. Newman: You’re making a huge mistake, Kramer! You’ll rue the day you met…The Postman!

Kramer casts Jerry as the funny sidekick, which Jerry reluctantly agrees to. Kramer: You’re a comedian playing a comedian. It’s meta, Jerry! Jerry: Why do people keep using that word? Jerry is prescribed reading glasses, which he needs on stage to read his notes when working on new material. He has been bombing on stage recently, but on set, without his glasses, he is killing among the other actors.

The female lead opposite Mickey is the MC at the club where Jerry has been performing. She doesn’t recognize him without his glasses and tells him he should try stand up comedy sometime. Amy: you’re funnier than a lot of the people that do stand up. This one guy, Jerry, is terrible. He’s the worst comedian I have ever seen. Jerry’s the opposite of funny. By the way, I never introduced myself. My name is Amy. Jerry: My name is…Kal-El

George is worried that he has no “clout” (Jerry: you gotta have clout) and wants to do something to help the city. George’s favorite sandwich shop refuses to sell sodas over 16 ounces, even though they have the cups available. He wants Elaine to try to purchase a large soda while he films the events. She is reluctant, but George insists: George: I demand justice, Elaine! Elaine: Alright, cool it Batman, I’ll be your damsel in distress.

“Kal-El” dates Amy, not revealing that he is also Jerry. Elaine has no problem buying a large soda, much to George’s chagrin. Newman sabotages the filming of the penultimate scene of the movie by dumping a load of mail onto the set (Newman: special delivery!).

Amy is standing with Jerry when Elaine walks up, sipping on her soda, with a depressed George in tow (Jerry: what’s his problem? Elaine: he forgot his cape). Elaine reveals Jerry’s true identity. Amy dumps Jerry. In the last scene, Mickey is seen walking with Amy into the sunset.

Ep. 8: The Stand Up Friend

Jerry runs into Louie CK at the comedy club.

Jerry: Hey, Louie, how’s it going?

Louie: Ok, I guess. Just…life, you know? The boilerplate misery, the feeling that it’s all for nothing. Today I was jerking off–well, I jerk off every day-and I was thinking about all the potential lives I have destroyed from masturbating. I hit puberty, what, thirty years ago? So 365 times 30: I basically performed genocide against a million of my unborn children. See this hand? This hand is Hitler. I love my kids, is basically what I’m trying to say.

Jerry: Yeah, I know what you mean.

Jerry introduces Louie to the group.

Jerry: Louie, everyone. Everyone, Louie.

Louie: Hello.

Kramer: You’re like George in a fat suit!

Elaine starts dating Louie. She describes the dates as “aimlessly wandering the streets of New York City while doing his errands” and Louie as “a sadder but somehow cooler version of George.” Despite all this, she likes him.

Jerry: So it seems to be going well.

Elaine: I kind of hate men, and he kind of hates himself, so it works perfectly.

George has been telling funny jokes to the group, but is replaced as the “funny bald man” whenever Louie is around. George resents being ignored, and one day, he walks into Jerry’s apartment dressed as Louie: Red hair, fake red goatee, black shirt and jeans. They stifle shock when George enters (George: who’s laughing now?!).

To make amends, Jerry and Louie bring George to the club to hang out. There’s a spot open on stage after a comic cancels, so Jerry and Louie tell George to go up there and tell some jokes (George: what do I say? Louie: Just tell the truth). George kills when he begins to explain how he is a “sad, pathetic little man with no ambition.”

Future episode: :Louie makes a short, surreal film called “Kramer’s Day,” which follows Kramer through one day of his life

Ep. 9: Comedians in Cars: The Genesis

Jerry goes to buy his first car at the local dealer. He goes on a test drive with the Salesman.

Jerry: You got beef with used car dealers?

Salesman: I don’t have any beef.

Jerry: I’m not blaming you if you do. I would have beef, too. Before, I’m sure everyone trusted you and your cars, then these Used Car Dealers come along, putting sawdust who knows where! Now everyone thinks you’re trying to rip them off.

Salesman: You think I’m trying to rip you off?

Jerry: I don’t care how new a car is, no car smells that good without some kind of alteration. Whaddya got? Spray? Tiny Christmas tree?

Salesman: Scented candles.
Jerry: Throw them in with the car and I’m buying.

Jerry drives his new car off the lot. Gets a call from Chris Rock.

Chris: Jerry, what are you up to?

Jerry: I just bought a new car!

Chris: White man driving! Look out everybody!

Jerry: What are you doing? Can I come pick you up?
Chris: You think a white man can just drive a black man around? People see that and they’re gonna think that I’m your chaffer and couldn’t take it anymore, so I carjacked my client.

Jerry: I’ll be like Miss Daisy, but I’m the one that’s driving.

Chris: You think I want an old racist white lady driving me around?

Jerry: Miss Daisy was proud. She didn’t want anybody’s help. It had nothing to do with race!

Chris: If some white lady is mad at me, it doesn’t matter the reason, she’s racist. Plus, the woman had an extra ticket to see Martin Luther King Jr. give the “I Believe” speech and she didn’t give it to him. Are you kidding me?

Jerry: Oh, come on.

Chris: Jerry, if you had an extra ticket to Jay Z and didn’t give it to me, I’d call Obama on speed dial. You’d be in Guantanamo the next day.

Jerry: So you want to get some coffee or what?

Chris: I can’t.
Jerry: Why not?

Chris: I’m married, Jerry. I’m married.

Jerry stops at a stoplight and someone gets in the backseat.

Jerry: Excuse me.

Man: Are you my Uber?

Jerry: Your what?
Man: My Uber?

Jerry: Is this a Craigslist thing?

Man: Uber. It’s like a taxi service.

Jerry: Oh, I see. No, I’m just a man driving a car and you got in.

Man: Can you take me to Brooklyn?

Jerry: Well, I am headed that way.

Man: Thank you. You are a good man.

Jerry: Why not just take a taxi? What’s the appeal of Uber? Both are driven by complete strangers that have no vested interested in your safety.

Man: You are a dangerous driver?

Jerry: No, and I’m not a taxicab driver, either.

Man: Ah yes, because you are an Uber driver.

Jerry: I’m not an Über driver! I’m a Jerry driver!

Man: I should have taken the subway.

Ep. 10: The Plague

An unknown virus sweeps through New York City. Manhattan is quarantined and under Martial Law. Jerry is concerned that nobody is coming to the club

Jerry: I’m supposed to get 50 percent of the door. But there’s no door. I’m doorless!

George: Now, is it considered comedy if you’re doing it and nobody else is there?

Elaine: Well, that describes your sex life, George, and that IS considered comedy.

Elaine’s new boyfriend is an attractive man who is sick, but she doesn’t know if it’s curable or something more insidious.

Jerry: Well, what are his symptoms?

Elaine: Well, let’s just say that all of his body parts aren’t working the way I want them to.

Jerry: You’re not talking about…

Elaine: Oh I’m talking about.

Jerry: Yeah. He’s a gone-er

Kramer comes rushing into the apartment. He says that they can all get out of Manhattan in Newman’s postal delivery truck but they have to leave now. Enter Newman.

Newman: I have a man on the inside…let’s call him Steve.

Jerry: What’s his real name?

Newman: His real name is Steve.

They all get into the truck. At the meeting point, Steve gives them military fatigues and masks, which they all change into, and Newman drives them near the guarded military exit. Steve leaves them and says he’ll be back. While they’re waiting, an Army Major comes up to them and yells at them for “loafing around,” (Kramer: No excuse, Sir!) and orders them to an assignment in the city.

They are walking in uniform past the club. Jerry gets an idea. Because it’s Martial Law, they can order people to watch his show. He orders Kramer and Newman to round up the required audience members (Kramer: Yes, Sir! Newman: Yeah, alright).

The last scene is Jerry in full military hazmat suit telling stand-up to a crowded club.

Jerry: I’ll be here all week. YOU might not make it ’till then…but I’ll be here.

Ep. 11: The Move

Jerry announces to the gang that he’s leaving Manhattan for Los Angeles, a move he hopes will restart his stagnated stand up career.
George: Do you think California is better than New York, is that what it is, Jerry?
Jerry: It’s probably worse.
Elaine: It’s sunny in Los Angeles.
Jerry: Have you been to LA, Elaine? The sun is out, but it’s not shining.
George: Maybe I’ll move to California.
Elaine: Your wings are clipped, Icarus.

Kramer thinks it’s about time that he finds a regular job:
Kramer: Did you know you can sit in an office from 9 to 5 and get paid for it?
Jerry: Why do you want a regular job, Kramer? You are terrific at doing nothing. Why risk being terrible at doing something?
George: I have a regular job.
Jerry: And look how that’s worked out for you.

Jerry works out new material at the club, which is his last appearance before he leaves:
“Manhattan is an island. Not a lot of people think about that. When people think of islands, they think of beaches and tiny umbrellas in their drink, not rats the size of dogs and cops killing humans for sport.”

The world is also an island. We’re just floating along in space, far away from the stresses of the cosmos. You say, ‘There might be aliens with death rays trying to hunt us down.’ I say, ‘This tiny umbrella in my drink makes a fantastic force field.'”

After his set, Jerry is hanging out in the back of the room when a fellow female comic comes up to him:
Amy: You really going to leave all this, Jerry?
Jerry: What would I stay for?
Amy: New York City. People know you here.
Jerry: I don’t like people. I’m pretty sure I can do that anywhere.
Amy: Mr. Funny Man. Everything’s a joke to you, isn’t it?
Jerry: It’s not to you?
Amy: Not your jokes.

On the job hunt, Kramer “tries out” different jobs around the city: jostling for position on the stock trading floor; frantically blowing his whistle as a traffic control cop; exploding in chalk as a teacher.

Amy and Jerry join George and Elaine at Monk’s for a final meal before he leaves. Kramer is the waiter:
George: Did you know that if you’re on Death Row, you can literally order anything you want for your last meal?
Jerry: I’d have a bowl of cereal,
George: I can’t eat anything heavy when I’m nervous. I like lobster but not in stressful situations.
Elaine: Is cereal actually a meal?
Jerry: Does it have to be a last meal? Can it be a last snack? Or is that cruel and unusual nourishment?
Amy: Well, they are killing you in a couple of minutes.
George: A soup I could do. A hearty soup with some bread.

Kramer brings their food and places it on the table, which is set with candles, dining cloth, and fine silverware. He then attempts to pull the cloth from underneath and everything goes flying off. He’s fired on the spot.

Jerry: (to Amy) I won’t be seeing things like this anymore.
Amy: How does that make you feel?
Jerry: Hungry.
George: You know what would have made a good sitcom, Jerry? This. A show about the four of us.
Jerry: …I don’t see it.

Amy and Jerry are at the airport.
Amy: Well, this is goodbye.
Jerry: I don’t like goodbyes. Why waste the opportunity for conversation with information we already know?
Amy: What do you want to talk about?
Jerry: Something new.
Amy: What would you say if I bought a ticket to California on the same flight as yours?
Jerry: You did or just hypothetically speaking?
Amy: I did. Are you ok with that?
Jerry: Yeah. I’m ok.

On the flight, Jerry looks through Skymall magazine:
Jerry: Does anyone actually buy this stuff? I mean, who needs a massage chair that ALSO makes pancakes? How many breakfast masseuses are flying these days?
Flight Attendant: Would you like anything to drink, Mr…Seinfeld.
Amy and Jerry: Kramer!!


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