Dear Rachel

A modern take on Steve Martin’s”Dear Amanda” http://bkc.mikovice.com/amanda_original.pdf

DEAR RACHEL

Thanks for accepting my friend request. How long has it been? You were such a great friend and companion back in high school. I hope you’re doing well.

Always,

James

DEAR RACHEL,

I was at the bookstore earlier today and came across a copy of “The Scarlet Letter.” Remember when we had to act out a scene from the book for Ms. Powell’s English class, which we, for some reason, framed as an episode of “The Real World” in the Yukon territory? “A is for Alaska!” Anyways.

Best,

Jim

DEAR RACHEL,

You asked for vacation recommendations and I decided to send you a message instead of posting for everyone to see. I remember that you value privacy, like in high school when you suggested that we “see other people,” which I observed, and in addition continued to see you in your bedroom window from my vantage point on the street. I’m glad I’m finally telling you this. Honesty is another value that we also share.

Re: vacation spots. For “sun and fun,” I recommend Puerto Rico, not the Florida Keys like Dominic suggested. How well do you know this guy? There’s a lot of fake profiles going around these days. Chinese hackers, etc. Just letting you know.

Jimbo

DEAR RACHEL,

It was a lucky coincidence that we were both on Facebook chat last night, as it gave each of us to express what has been unspoken between us for so long. Afterward, I was wondering what you meant by “Stop bothering me, Jim.” So many interpretations. Afterward, I went for a walk from my parent’s place and just happened to walk by your house. I looked into your old bedroom window, but, instead of you, I saw a man standing there. Is this the Dominic I’ve heard rumors about? It says on your profile that you moved to Ohio, but I thought maybe that was just a dodge for guys like him.

J

DEAR RACHEL,

This will be the last letter I write you. There’s no easy way to say this: I’m seeing someone else. It’s not “Facebook official,” because she wants to keep it private. Emily is like you in that way. Please do not contact or Facebook friend the Emily Miller that studied at Rutgers University. Incidentally, I friended Dominic and he recently posted some pictures of snowboarding without a helmet. Do you approve of this? Two words: Sonny Bono (I remember your mom saying she liked his music. Or was it Cher?)

James

DEAR RACHEL,

Guess what. I got a job in Ohio! Even after looking at the profiles of your Facebook friends, I wasn’t able to determine what city in Ohio you live in, but I found a job in Cleveland, which is an up and coming city for our generation. Emily is ok with a long-distance relationship, or whatever “Whatever” means. I thought that we could catch up over either a casual lunch or a dinner reservation at the Marriott. Space is limited, so I don’t recommend bringing Dominic, but you and I should discuss whether he’s the same Dominic that is posting personal ads on Craigslist.

J

DEAR RACHEL,

This will be my last message to you. I’m quite upset by you contacting my family and telling them for me to stop contacting you. Doesn’t this violate the “privacy” that we discussed earlier? There’s an emergency regarding my impending move to Cleveland, and I need your help. My apartment manager needs the contact information of my most recent employer, but he changed his number after the fire that the police deemed was an accident. Can you vouch for me? Emily is screening my calls (laryngitis?) and I really need to lock this place down before I drive out there.

You can contact me by cell anytime, or my mother by landline only, or Emily, by Facebook, or I can get in contact with your mom, or both our moms can get in contact with each other, and then either of them can contact me.

Thanks.

James

DEAR RACHEL,

Valentine’s Day is tomorrow so I hope you don’t mind my throwing this note through your window, as the post is too slow and you seemed to have disappeared from Facebook (profile hack?). I was wondering if we were still on for the Marriott tomorrow night? I reserved a table for two and will order the filet mignon for both of us, in case you are running late. I will also bring a signed copy of “The Scarlet Letter” (signed by me) and I also want you to have the small photo of me nude snowboarding (with helmet!). You can bring Dominic if you want, but he can’t have any of my steak due to his recent bout with TB. Can you let me know soon? I’m waiting on your lawn.

This will be the last message I send to you.

Love you always,

James


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