Modern Seinfeld: The Valentine

The Valentine

The day before Valentine’s Day, Jerry gets a valentine written to him from a secret admirer.

Elaine: What’s it say?

Jerry: “Dear Jerry, I’ve known you for a long time but have never had the heart to tell you how I feel. You are the most genuine and kind man I know and I want you in my life–”clearly, this person doesn’t know me that well.

Kramer: Let me see it.

Jerry: Why?

Kramer: Just …nope, not my handwriting.

Jerry: What, are you going around writing unsigned Valentine cards to people?

Kramer: FOR other people, Jerry. I write handwritten letters for other people whose penmanship doesn’t have the…gravity as someone such as myself.

Jerry: And what kind of penmanship is that?

Kramer: I’ve been called the handwriting Picasso of New York City.

Jerry: Picasso was abstract.

Kramer: Bingo.

Jerry: What do you think of this handwriting?

Kramer: Strong form, delicate touch, even ink distribution…she’s a keeper.

As per the previous agreement contingent on both of them not having dates, Elaine and Jerry plan to have dinner together on Valentine’s Day. Jerry suspects that she is writer of the secret Valentine.

Jerry: What do you think?

George: What time is dinner? Before 7 or after?

Jerry: 7:30.

George: Reservations or Walk-In?

Jerry: Reservations.

George: With sportcoat or without?

Jerry: With.

George: Well…to those exact same specifications, I shared a meal with my mother last week, so I’m the wrong person to ask.

In anticipation of Valentine’s Day, Kramer starts a Youtube channel promoting himself as a matchmaker promising customers they will meet their soul mate in the first week, no matter their background.

Kramer: (in video) Too short? Too tall? Too boring? Too ugly? Well, here at Cosmo’s Connections, we don’t care how much of a loser you are, if you invest in our services I guarantee a match with the man or women of your dreams!

Kramer: (off camera) What do you think?

George: Only a desperate woman would agree to go on a first date with me on Valentine’s Day. And I’m desperate enough where that’s the exact kind of woman I’m willing to date.

On Valentine’s Day, Jerry meets Elaine at the restaurant, and after awkward first greetings, they sit down at the table. Jerry expects a serious conversation, but Elaine is not interested.

Elaine: So they give us this basket of bread, and, clearly, it’s not enough bread for the both of us, but they expect us to share the bread. Even if you weren’t hungry before, this small amount of bread is just the right amount of bread to make you hungry for more, right?

Jerry: Elaine–

Elaine: Right, so we finish the bread, and we want more, only, they won’t bring us more. They will, however, make us wait for our food, which is what they want, Jerry. It’s exactly what they want. Now, rolls, that’s another matter completely.

Meanwhile, Kramer and George are sitting at a table across the room from Jerry and Elaine. George thinks he’s meeting his date there, but Kramer used George to make a reservation for two so that he could film Jerry and Elaine on their “date” for his Youtube channel.

Waiter: Would you two like a bottle of champagne?

Kramer: (while filming) Yeah, bring out all you got.

George: This bread is good. You want any of this bread?

Kramer: No.

George: Really, for one person, this is the perfect amount of bread. If we were going to share the bread, however, well, that would change things–

Back to Jerry and Elaine

Elaine:–so if you bring the rats out of the subway, Jerry, you have to think, what will replace the rats? More rats? So now there’s twice the number of rats!

Jerry: Would you please stop saying rats in a restaurant?

Elaine: Sorry. What’s up with you?

Jerry: It was you! I know it was you!

Elaine: What was me?

Jerry: The letters! The secret valentine’s. I know you’ve been writing them to me.

Elaine: Those things? Please.

Jerry: So it wasn’t you?

Elaine: Hate to break it to you.

Just then they see Kramer move in the video camera, filmed by George.

Kramer: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a Cosmo Connection!

They get kicked out of the restaurant and are waiting in front of the restaurant, figuring out what to do next.

Elaine: You know what, that was a fun night.

George: (between bites of bread) I’m a cynical man, and this is a cynical world, but there is no place I’d rather be on Valentine’s Day then right here with all of you.

Elaine: Nope. You ruined it.

Jerry: One thing we never figured out: who wrote those letters?

Pan to Newman in his apartment, alone, his face lit up only by a desk lamp with piles of cards surrounding him. He looks up into the camera, laughing.


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