Modern Seinfeld: The President-Elect

jerry-seinfeld-stand-up

(cold open)


Jerry: 
Trump Tower. It’s all blocked off now. Barriers all around. Keeps the Trump protestors out. Keeps the Trump supporters in! Not sure how much he likes it, though. He’s a man of the people. He’s a person, right? Why a barrier, anyways? Why not a wall? That way you can permanently separate the people on both sides. Separate but equal. Now that’s an idea Trump could get behind.


(Jerry’s apartment)


Elaine: (sees that George’s faces bruised) What happened?


George: I experienced something very disturbing on the subway.


Elaine: The rat with the pizza, again, George? It’s not YOUR pizza. It’s JUST pizza. There’s pizza everywhere.


George: NO…This is serious.


Elaine: Oh…


George: a Trump supporter was harassing a Muslim woman. She was sitting right next to me. He was saying hateful things to her. I didn’t know what to do!


Elaine: See something, say something.


George: I saw my life flash before my eyes…it was disappointing.


Elaine: How’d you know he was a REAL Trump supporter? Could have just been some guy, was always a bigot, now he pins it on this other guy. Men have use the same excuse to harass me all the time.


George: “Trump’s America,” he said. “This is Trump’s America.”


Elaine: So what did you do?


George: I said to myself, “Enough is enough! Be a man, George! Be a real man!”


Elaine: I’ve been telling you that for years.


George: I stood up. I gathered all of the strength I have gained by going to the gym five times a year, and I said, “GEORGE IS GETTING UPSET!” 
And then he punched me.

Elaine: The man?


George: Yes, the man! The woman wouldn’t have. I was trying to help her.


Elaine: Well, what George thinks is a life raft is often an anchor. I’ve made that mistake before.


George: I was hurt. The man was arrested at the next stop.


Elaine: What about the woman?


George: I don’t know how much it bothered her. She was listening to her iPhone the whole time.


Elaine: Ugh, Millenials.


Before the election, Jerry and his latest girlfriend, Cindy, agreed that they would both vote for the same person. Only thing, they never actually said who they would vote for. Now, post-election, with Trump the victor, Jerry doesn’t know whether he should be happy or sad about the results in front of Cindy. They’re on a date, eating dinner:


Cindy: I’m just so exhausted by all of this.


Jerry: All of it, I know.


Cindy: I’m just so tired.

Jerry: It is getting late.

Cindy: There is more to life than anger.


Jerry: Ice cream, for example. Who doesn’t like ice cream?


Cindy: I just don’t want to be judged for believing in something.


Jerry: Vanilla, perhaps? Not a race thing, I just like the flavor of it.


Cindy: Do you believe in America, Jerry?


Jerry: Which America are we talking about here?


Cindy: You ask all the right questions.


Jerry: I have many questions.


Cindy: America is the people’s country.


Jerry: Who else would it belong to?


Cindy: I want us all to be safe. I want what’s right.


Jerry: Vanilla milkshake. Or a cone.


Cindy: I’m so glad we agree on this, Jerry.


Jerry: If that’s what it seems like, then I’m glad, too.


(she hugs Jerry)


Cindy: I like chocolate ice cream, by the way.


Jerry: We really are a divided nation.


Kramer has a new Fit Bit and claims that he is going to “Walk across America” in one year, in order or the equivalent of, without leaving New York City limits:


Kramer: I made it to Ohio today. VERY divided state.


Jerry: You know, people from Ohio visit New York all the time


Kramer: Oh no, You really have to visit a place to know its people.


Jerry: But you didn’t visit Ohio. You’re just walking the streets of New York.


Kramer: It’s the real America there.


Jerry: Every part of America is just as real as the other. It’s America!


Kramer: Great pizza, too.


Jerry: Of course it’s great. You were eating New York pizza!


Kramer: That sounds like something a New Yorker would say.


Jerry: You’re a New Yorker, Kramer! You’re IN NEW YORK.


Kramer: (points finger at Jerry) You’re out of touch, buddy.


Newman starts joining Kramer on his walks through New York City. They stumble across a group of Trump protestors walking the streets. They try to make their way through the crowd but get tangled up and pushed, literally, to join them. They do. He walks with them to Trump tower, near which an anti-Trump rally is being held. He is pushed to the microphone to speak for their movement. The crowd chants “Kramer, Kramer.”


Kramer: Oh yeah, I hear you. I hear you, America. From the mountain tops of Ohio, to the beaches of Nebraska. I’ve seen it all. I’ve seen into the heart of real America. I know what it takes to make America great for the very first time. Whether you like deep dish or thin crust: we’re all equal!


(Crowd cheers)


Out on a walk after their date, Cindy and Jerry stumble across the protest:


Jerry: Oh my god. That’s Kramer.


Cindy: You know him?


Jerry: He’s one of my best friends.


Cindy: One of your best friends is against Trump?


Jerry: Well, against or for Trump, whichever is fine with me.

Cindy: Which is it, Jerry? Either you’re with Trump or you’re against him.
Jerry: Hillary for President?

Cindy: I knew it! I knew you didn’t like Trump!


Jerry: No, I can like him!


Cindy: Really?


Jerry: No.


Cindy: That’s it. We’re done Jerry.


Jerry: Hey! Come on! We can work this out! Let’s make this relationship great again!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s